


a demon in my backseat

by where_you_go



Series: stepping stones [1]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apologies, Bisexual Julie Molina, Bisexual Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Crying, Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Multi, Pansexual Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Recovering Addict Luke Patterson, Recovery, Second Chances, Seriously so much crying, Trans Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), and swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27801292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/where_you_go/pseuds/where_you_go
Summary: Seven years ago, Sunset Curve was at the top of their game, riding the highs of being a famous rock band. Then, seemingly overnight, they broke up, citing "creative differences" but no one outside the band really knew what went down that night. Now, Luke finds himself turning thirty alone in a shitty bar, wondering how he screwed everything up so spectacularly.Or, recovery is a process that never stops and forgiveness has to be earned.
Relationships: Alex & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina/Luke Patterson, Julie Molina/Luke Patterson/Reggie, Julie Molina/Reggie, Luke Patterson/Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: stepping stones [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056461
Comments: 112
Kudos: 213





	1. the years just follow me

**Author's Note:**

> The working title for this fic was "ok so this is happening", which I think sums everything up pretty well. I haven't written fic in well over 10 years, but my brain went, hmmm you know what this upbeat children's show needs? Luke as a recovering addict, with a sprinkle of dubious consent and so much swearing. 
> 
> Please heed the tags on this one. Specific content warnings for this chapter include: drug addiction, referenced past drug use, discussions of drug use, non-explicit consensual sexual activity, referenced canonical character death, referenced fight/breaking treasured objects during a fight.
> 
> This fic is complete and the other chapters will be posted over the next week or so.

He clutched the coin in his hand so tightly that the edges dug into the meat of his fingers. He wondered if the words on the coin would leave imprinted marks on his palm. Maybe that should be his next tattoo, a permanent reminder of what he’d worked so hard for.

One year. 

At the meeting yesterday, it felt momentous. His parents had been so damn proud too when he brought the chip home to show them. He was on top of the world, he could do anything again. It had been a really fucking long time since he had felt that way.

This morning he had woken up in his shitty bed, in his empty, shitty apartment and it had felt like reality had come crashing down around him again. Luke Patterson was still just a washed-up former rockstar ex-junkie who blew the best thing that had ever happened to him, even if he hadn’t used in a year. 

He could practically hear his therapist’s voice in the back of his mind, _what did we say about negative self-talk?_ But he shoved that voice down. It was petty but tonight he didn’t want to psychoanalyze himself or practice mindfulness or do yoga or some shit like that. Tomorrow was his birthday and he wanted to feel free and have fun like he hadn’t done in years. He wanted to scream and celebrate and party and forget and…

And he wanted to get high. Which wasn't a new feeling.

But he’d spent the last year clawing his way out of the pit he’d dug himself into, so he wasn’t gonna fuck all that hard work up tonight, no matter how bad the cravings got. 

It’s not like he didn’t know why he was feeling this way. His birthday was always a difficult time, because so many terrible things seemed to be associated with the day. He used to think that maybe he’d been cursed to always have an interesting birthday by some witch he’d pissed off, but he’d been coming to terms with the fact that he’d created so many of his own ghosts, and now he had to do the work to overcome them. His birthday was just a painful reminder of throwing away the life and dreams he’d worked so hard to build, and losing the three people who’d meant the most to him due to his own poor choices. He didn’t even fully remember that night, but he could never forget the fight that had left him storming out on the band, only to later realize that he’d destroyed his family and left his heart shattered under a broken bass guitar. 

Trying to dispel the memories and the anxiety they brought with them, he had wandered around his neighborhood all afternoon, before he found himself standing outside what might have been LA’s dingiest bar, a tiny hole-in-the-wall dive with a flickering sign proclaiming it to be _Dave’s Bar_. Luke probably would have walked right past the place if not for the dahlia painting hanging in the window that caught his eye, which happened to be situated right above a flyer announcing an open mic night. The inside of the bar wasn’t any prettier than the outside, low lighting doing nothing to hide the peeling wallpaper and questionable stains on the floor. The area around the bar itself was crammed with wobbly tables and mismatched chairs, but a small space had been cleared at the far end and set up as a stage. 

Maybe hanging out at a bar when he was fighting cravings was a bad idea, but if Luke was an expert at anything, it was bad ideas. So here he was, sitting at the bar, clutching his coin, and staring holes into the guitar that was sitting unused on the stage while a very drunk older gentleman plunked out _Rocket Man_ on the ancient keyboard, slurring and stuttering his way through the lyrics.

Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he should go home and forget he’d ever even seen a guitar before, maybe go to his parents’ house and —

“Hey, new guy!” 

Luke whipped his head around. Leaning over the edge of the bar was quite possibly a literal angel. She was backlit by the gaudy neon lights behind the bar, giving her curly dark hair a halo of light, peering into his soul with luminous intensity. He thought he could spend years drowning in the galaxies hidden in those eyes.

She snapped her fingers in front of his face and he started. 

“What?”

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. “You’ve been sitting here for like an hour now. Are you gonna order something?”

Oh. She was the bartender and doing her job. Probably creepy to spout poetry about her beauty while she was on shift. 

“No, uh, I don’t drink.” He twisted the barstool around to face her fully, and started tapping out a rhythm on the top of the bar, unable to keep his fingers still. 

“Right, which is why you’re hanging out alone in a bar.”

“I like the ambiance.”

She snorted a laugh and Luke’s heart almost stopped at the sound. He decided he needed to hear her laugh again, possibly every day for the rest of his life. 

“The ambiance, sure,” she side eyed the cracked countertop, cheap liquor, and three other patrons. “Well in that case, can I offer you some of our freshest week-old pretzels? Or maybe a can of Diet Coke that has been in the fridge longer than I’ve been working here?”

“Oh man, as much as I love stale pretzels, I’m gonna have to pass. Watching my carbs, you know?” Luke grinned and was rewarded with another snort-laugh. “I’ll take that Diet Coke though, and maybe your name?” He tilted his head and looked up at her through his fringe in a way that he’d been assured was very attractive. 

It must’ve worked in some way because her smile softened even as she rolled her eyes.

“It’s Julie. One ancient can of Diet Coke coming up. I can get you a glass of ice, but I’m not sure I would trust it, to be honest,” she said, sliding the cool can across the bar.

“This is perfect,” _you are perfect_ , “Thank you, Julie. My name is Luke.”

“Oh, just like that Trevor Wilson song!” Julie grinned and hummed a few bars of a too-familiar song.

Luke’s grin faltered and his tapping stopped as he clutched the coin in his hand a little too tight.

“Ha, yeah. Just like.”

Julie seemed to realize that she’d said something wrong, but Luke didn’t know how to explain why the name Trevor Wilson made him want to vomit and scream and cry, why hearing about _My Name Is Luke_ made him so proud and so angry at the same time, why he was such a goddamn mess all the time. Instead he just sat there, tense and uncomfortable, feeling like he’d ruined yet another nice thing. The drunken patron at the keyboard tapped out the last few notes of his song and then ambled off the stage, leaving an awkward silence in his wake. 

She pursed her lips and looked at him like she was looking through him and it was nearly unbearable. If she asked he’s certain he would spill the whole story, like disgusting word vomit all over the bar. Maybe he could vanish into thin air if he tried hard enough, just _poof_ away and not have to admit to a complete stranger all the ways that he’d tried to destroy his own life. 

Blessedly, Julie let the topic drop, grabbing the rag she used to wipe down the bar. 

“Ok then, Mr. I-Don’t-Drink, why did you come to my bar tonight? And I know it’s not for the ambiance, the owner hasn’t properly cleaned any part of this place in like 10 years. No one comes here for the ambiance.”

“Hey, maybe I like the look of unwashed tables, have you ever considered that?” He raised an eyebrow and she laughed again and suddenly he felt the tension leave his shoulders. Why he felt so comfortable with Julie was a mystery to him, but he was going to take it as far as she let him. 

“The truth is, uh, well it’s my 30th birthday tomorrow. And I don’t know how you’re supposed to spend the last night of your twenties but I guess I didn’t want to spend it alone in my apartment, so I started walking and my feet brought me here. To you.” 

Maybe that was too much too soon. But it felt right. Like some divine being had intervened on Luke’s behalf to put Julie in his path, even just for this one night. Like a sign that after living in the gutter for so long, he could finally see the stars and they were all floating in Julie’s eyes. 

Julie let out a small “huh” like she hadn’t quite been expecting that.

“Well, in that case, that refreshing Diet Coke is on the house, birthday boy. One drink only!” She said mock-sternly, holding one finger in front of her nose. “And don’t let it get out, Mr. Peterson will think he’s not my favorite any more.” She gestured at the patron who’d been on stage earlier, but had come back to a corner table to continue nursing one of several beers he’d left there. He glanced up at his name and saluted Julie with the bottle. She saluted back with her rag and laughed, before looking back at Luke. 

Luke, who’d gotten distracted looking at the guitar on stage again. Now that no one else was on stage performing, the itch was back in his fingers. He could slip up there for one song, just to remember what it felt like to hold an instrument in his hands, what it felt like to perform for an audience of more than just his ceiling fan. 

A cough drew his attention back to where Julie was looking at him with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. 

“Ok I see how it is. I bet you give the all the girls that same line about _‘destiny brought my path to you’_ but really you only have eyes for our guitar, is that it?”

Luke spluttered, “No - you’re - I mean - I didn’t say anything about destiny!” _Out loud at least_. But Julie just laughed at his floundering, so he sighed and laid his head down on the bar. 

“I miss playing the guitar, but it’s been years so I don’t know if I should even try,” he muttered, his words muffled by the countertop and was that - yep. Disgusting. Julie had said that the owner never had this placed properly cleaned, so maybe he should stop putting his mouth against it. 

When he picked his head back up, Julie looked unimpressed. “You can’t be worse than Mr. Peterson on the keyboard. What’s stopping you from going up there and playing for the bar? For me?”

A million reasons came to Luke’s mind. The guitar probably wasn’t tuned. It’s been seven years since he last played. Maybe he’d forgotten how to play. The last time he played was the worst night of his life. He wouldn’t be able to stop himself from pouring out his heart and soul if he caught a glimpse of Julie’s eyes while playing. 

He was afraid.

What came out of his mouth was, “I don’t know what song to play,” and then he wanted to smack himself because that could not have possibly sounded dumber. 

“That’s an easy fix. What songs do you know how to play?”

He couldn’t say _anything by Sunset Curve or Trevor Wilson_ , even though that was true, but that would hurt way too much and he’d never make it past the first chord. He should say some classic rock bands and maybe make himself look less like a complete dork in front of this gorgeous woman. So naturally what his brain came up with was, “I have every Taylor Swift song memorized,” because of course. Of course Reggie’s terrible taste in music would come back to haunt him now, in this exact moment when he _didn't_ want to be making more of a fool of himself. 

(And the thought of Reggie, idle and fleeting, still threatened to make his throat close up and his heart seize because he hurt him, he _hurt_ him, how could he—)

Julie’s laugh ripped him away from a potentially dark spiral of thoughts. “I’ll admit, I didn’t expect that, but now that you’ve said it I need to hear it. Please thrill me with your Taylor Swift covers.”

Luke groaned, but knew he was going to get up there a do anything she asked. He’d known her for half an hour but he could already tell that he’d follow her to the ends of the earth as long as she kept smiling at him. He couldn’t say that though, what kind of creeper would she think he was?

“Ugh, Taylor Swift it is then,” he swiped a hand over his face, but didn’t miss the slightly wistful look that Julie gave to the stage, which was the only reason he said, “But only if you come up and sing with me.”

Julie stilled and for a moment she looked frozen, carved from the coldest marble and Luke thought maybe he wasn’t the only one with a complicated history with music. But Luke also knew that music was in his blood, even if it had been years since he had last played, it was something he’d never be able to fully give up. He wondered if Julie was the same, if she woke up at night humming half-formed melodies that burned her fingers when she tried to write them down. 

“How do you know I can sing?” She asked quietly, without meeting his eyes.

“I don’t. But you were humming that song earlier and who doesn’t know at least a few T-Swiftie songs these days?”

Luke knew he could be charming. Before, well before everything, he could always talk his friends into the dumbest ideas - that was how Sunset Curve had started in the first place. And he could see Julie cracking in front of him. 

“You know I’m supposed to be working. Who will watch the bar?”

They both looked around. The other patrons had wandered out, dwindling down to just Mr. Peterson, who looked like he might have fallen asleep in his corner, his head propped up against the wall. 

“Yes, I can see you’re clearly being overwhelmed with orders right now,” now it was Luke’s turn to look unimpressed. “Really though, what’s stopping you from getting up on that stage and singing for the bar? For me?”

Julie pursed her lips, out of arguments when her own words were echoed back to her. 

“Fine,” she sighed, tossing her rag behind the counter and coming around the side. “But you have to pick something good! None of this _We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together_ nonsense!”

“Aw man I love that song,” he teased, just to see the way she rolled her eyes again, but internally he cheered. Maybe this would go ok after all, and if it was a complete failure, no one but Mr. Peterson would have to know. 

It wasn’t that he’d forgotten, exactly, the way it felt to have a guitar in his hands. The comforting weight of the fretboard, the smooth grain of polished wood. But it did feel like waking up out of dream in some ways, like he was pulling the memories from underneath the surface of a body of water. His muscles remembered the angle of his arms and the positions of his fingers. His body curved into a once-familiar shape, reminding him of how this used to feel like home, like flying, like a million things all at once.

Almost like getting high. Music had always been his first addiction. 

Luke looked over at Julie as she situated herself on the stool behind the keyboard on stage. She looked unsure and off-kilter, but her fingers traced the keys with no hesitation. He thought she looked radiant, like she was always meant to be on a stage, so the world could adore her. 

“Let’s start with something birthday appropriate, I guess? Just jump in when you recognize this one,” he said, strumming out a few upbeat chords. 

_“It seems like the perfect night to dress up like hipsters, and make fun of our exes, uh huh.”_

Julie’s laugh sounded startled and bright, like she really hadn’t expected him to know this song. But she jumped in on the chorus, _“Hey! I don’t know about you but I’m feeling 22! Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you!”_

And see, look, Luke was a professional, OK? He knew how to keep it together on stage, even when unexpected things happened. But he still almost fell off the stool when Julie sang, shocked that she’d been apparently hiding the literal voice of an angel behind that bar. And she also apparently knew how to play the piano?

Luke was a goner. He’d never be able to let her go. 

They finished up _22_ laughing and then Julie surprised him by launching straight into the next song with _“You should take it as a compliment that I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk.”_

Listening to her sing was intoxicating on a whole new level. Their voices sounded like some divine being had designed them specifically to harmonize with each other, elevating some silly pop songs into a new plane of existence. And yet, at the same time, this was as easy as breathing. Luke had been terrified to pick up an instrument for years, afraid that he would feel clumsy and broken with something he had once loved so much. But singing with Julie was the most natural thing in the world.

He hadn’t had a jam session like this in years - and that’s exactly what this felt like, a jam session, with one song flowing seamlessly into the next one. They jumped from _Gorgeous_ to _Style_ to _You Belong With Me_ and no one would have ever guessed that this was their first time playing together. He threw out a riff and Julie countered it on the piano, never missing a beat. It was new and familiar at the same time - safe, but also terrifying. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see the old garage that Sunset Curve had practiced in, back when they were just high school dropouts with big dreams. Alex keeping them grounded with a steady drumbeat, Bobby matching him on the guitar, and Reggie inches away from him, sharing a microphone, beckoning him closer. 

He crooned, _“when you think Tim McGraw, I hope you think my favorite song,”_ and tried to pretend that it wasn’t so close to the truth, so close that it _hurt_ to think about. But for the first time it hurt in a good way, like the memories wouldn’t drown him tonight, but maybe he could float on them, buoyant and approximating happy for the first time in a long time.

His heart was probably falling out of his eyes, clear as day for anyone to see as he looked straight at Julie and sang _“This ain’t for the best, my reputation’s never been worse, so you must like me for me,”_ but his breath caught in his chest when she looked back at him and kept it going - _“We can’t make any promises now, can we, babe?”_

When the last notes of _Delicate_ faded out, Luke just kept looking at Julie, unwilling to break eye contact. He wanted to ask again, _is it cool that I said all that? Is it cool that you’re in my head?_ He didn’t know if she knew what this night had meant to him, how he never wanted it to end. If he died tonight, he hoped his afterlife was playing Taylor Swift songs on this stage with her for eternity. 

They were forcibly ejected from their moment by the sound of clapping. Mr. Peterson was standing, leaning heavily on the wall and giving them a round of applause. Luke had completely forgotten they’d had an audience, but he stood up to take a bow, gesturing to Julie as she stood and curtsied with him. 

“You kids these days are so talented,” Mr. Peterson said. “I’m gonna leave you to it. I’ll see you later, Julie.”

As he ambled his way gracelessly out of the bar, Luke turned to look at Julie, who was looking down at the keyboard with a face full of sadness and longing. He wanted to know what caused it and why she wasn’t a world famous singer with a voice like that. He wanted to know everything about her.

“Hey,” he said softly, causing her to look up at him. “You’re amazing, you know?”

She smiled sadly. “Thanks. It’s…it’s been a while.”

“Yeah, I mean, same. But still, the way we sounded…” Luke trailed off, lacking the words to describe the magic they had just made together.

But Julie seemed to understand, nodding along. “Yeah, that was really something, wasn’t it?”

They probably could have stood on that stage forever, gazing into each other’s eyes and falling into each other’s gravity, like two twin stars drawn together by some larger ineffable force, except the alarm on Luke’s phone started going off, causing them both to jump. 

Laughing at his own ridiculousness, Luke grabbed his phone and shut off the blaring noise. 

“Hey, look it’s midnight,” he tilted his phone so she could see.

“Happy birthday, old man,” Julie grinned at him and it was brighter than the sun. “Sorry you had to spend the last night of your twenties here.” 

“I’m not. I wouldn’t have wanted to spend it anywhere else.” 

Luke could hear the broken honesty in his own voice, but at this point what did he have to hide from her? 

The only other thing he could have wanted for his birthday was something he’s not sure he could ever have again. But tonight he played guitar and sang for the first time in seven years, and yesterday he would have told you he would never be able to do that again either. Julie made him believe in miracles. And from the look on her face, maybe she got her own version of a miracle tonight too. 

The act of playing seemed to have unlocked a hidden door in his mind, and he was flooded with the half-formed melodies and jumbled up lyrics he had shoved back there and done his best to ignore for years. But he couldn’t seem to hold anything back anymore and he was alight with energy for making music, awake like he hadn’t been in years. 

“How late do you have to work?”

Julie shrugged. “Technically we’re supposed to be open until two AM. But, as you’ve mentioned it’s not like we’re bursting at the seams with customers. Dave - my boss - won’t care if I shut down early, if you have a better idea of where we could go?”

He bounced on his toes and grinned at her. “Well we can get street dogs across the alley and my apartment is three blocks away.”

Julie moved around the keyboard to stand right in front of Luke, close enough that he could feel her body heat but just far enough away that they weren’t technically touching. It was agonizing being this close to her and yet he wouldn’t move away for a million dollars. She raised an eyebrow. “Are you propositioning me?”

He used to know how to do this, but Julie was special in a way that every other girl had never been. Just having her this close was causing his breath to hitch and heat to rise along the back of his neck.

“I was just gonna ask you to come over and continue playing music with me, but…”

“But?” Julie titled her face towards him, raising one hand to delicately rest her fingers on his cheek. Luke felt like he was on fire, flames racing from her fingertips to consume his entire body, his entire being.

“Julie,” he breathed, unable to help himself. “You have to know…”

“Yeah, I feel it too,” her eyes slipped down to his lips. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes, of course, please,” which is something he might have been embarrassed by if Julie hadn’t surged forward onto her toes, pressing their mouths together and _god_ , he hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol but he was drunk on her taste already and her touch made his heart race and his brain shut down and every part of him feel electrified. He was weak for her, weaker than he’d ever been for anyone since — 

No, don’t ruin this. He forcibly pushed his thoughts away, focusing instead on the soft skin of her sides, where her shirt edges had ridden up. He traced his fingers along the hem, eventually slipping a hand under the back of her shirt, to rest it along her spine, pulling her as close as they could be. Her whole body shivered under his hands and mouth and he wanted desperately to watch her fall apart because of him. He wanted to take down her walls and see her open and needy and so, so _gorgeous_ under him. 

Then she opened her mouth under his, and gently took his lower lip between her teeth, biting down softly, sending sparks of sensation flying up under his skin. She could have anything she wanted from him, he would give her everything, just to keep feeling her tongue in his mouth and her hands weaving into his hair. She tugged on the strands of his hair and he saw fireworks behind his eyes. He clutched her closer, wrapping his arm around her waist and dragging his free hand to her neck and stroking behind her ear. He wanted to feel every part of her as close as she would let him, close enough to be consumed by the light of her presence. 

He was considering lifting her onto one of the tables near the stage and saying fuck it and going down to his knees there and then, never mind they were in a technically still open bar that had a questionable level of cleanliness, when she pulled back. They stood there, breathing heavily into the space between them, lips still smeared with kisses and the air thick with mutual desire.

Then Julie started giggling. Luke would’ve been almost offended if her laugh hadn’t been so infectious that he started giggling too. When they made eye contact they just laughed harder until they both found themselves needing to sit on the floor because they couldn’t stop laughing.

“Oh my god,” Julie said, breathless and flushed and Luke couldn’t possibly look away from her in this moment. 

“Yeah, I know right?”

“Ok, so this is happening. Let me close up and then you should take me to your place,” Julie took a deep breath and looked back at him, her gaze lingering on his mouth. “Yeah, you should definitely take me to your place. But no street dogs! I refuse; those things are gross. We’ll order pizza when we get hungry.”

Luke just laughed some more, feeling like this was the best birthday he’d had probably ever. It looked like it was only going to get better.

“Anything you want, Julie.”

———

———

Julie ended up staying for two days. 

That first night was almost dreamlike. Walking to his place side-by-side, hands barely brushing, knowing that if they touched they wouldn’t be able to stop. 

Then she was in his apartment, and his heart started racing with anxiety about what she would see when she looked at the pieces of his life that he’d only barely started cobbling back together. At least his bed, shoved in the far corner, had been made that morning, but his sagging couch had clearly seen better days and the card table he used for meals had three mismatched folding chairs around it and was covered in piles of junk mail and GED study materials. 

When her eyes lingered on the blue, pink, and white pride flag he had hanging on his wall, he reached out to grab her hand and brought her knuckles to his lips in a soft kiss. 

“I have a lot of scars,” Luke whispered, afraid to break the quiet that had settled on them while they stood there. “Some physical,” he nodded to the flag, “and some that are harder to see.” 

He took his one-year coin out of his pocket and placed it in her hand. If these things were going to be a dealbreaker, he needed to know now so he could try to salvage some of his heart.

She turned the coin over slowly, and traced her fingers over the words. He held his breath for what felt like an eternity as she studied it and then when he thought he couldn’t take one more second, she lifted her eyes to meet his. 

“I think,” she said, slowly placing the coin on his table and reaching over to cover his heart with her hand, “scars are what make us human. They show that we’ve fought, and survived, and our hearts are still beating beneath our fragile skin.”

He kissed her again because what else was he supposed to do with that? 

He kissed her and she kissed him and they eventually fell into his bed and didn't stop kissing until well after the sky started to lighten through the window in his kitchen. He spent that night mapping out the contours of her body with his fingers and his mouth, making sure every inch of skin had been given the level of adoration that it deserved. When she was desperate and in tears, begging for more, for anything, he made sure she saw stars over and over again, until she was oversensitive and pushing him away. And if he almost cried when she rolled him over to return the favor, pausing to press gentle kisses to the scars on his chest, well no one else had to know about that. 

The next two days passed in a haze of sex, napping, and writing some of the best music Luke had ever heard. Together, they were like electricity, lit up and shining. Everything they wrote was magical and he didn’t know where this was going but he was so excited to find out.

They laid in his bed facing each other, curved towards each other like two parentheses holding in the whispered words of their conversations. Maybe it was a false illusion, but Luke felt like he could tell her anything. He’d never been more stripped bare for another person, even if they were both wearing some of his shorts.

“The last time I sang was seven years ago,” Julie said quietly. “It was a Christmas concert at USC. I was a third-year in the Thornton School of Music.”

Maybe he should have been more surprised than he was, but it seemed appropriate that Julie had been in that program. She was a star; of course other people had seen it.

“What happened? That made you stop?”

“My mom died. The night of the concert. She had cancer and the new chemotherapy had been working, but she had still been too tired to come to the concert. While they watched the livestream at home, she suddenly threw a blood clot to her lungs and by the time the ambulance came…” Julie trailed off, tears pooling around the edges of her eyes and spilling over onto her nose and down her cheek. 

When Luke raised his hand to wipe those tears away, she grabbed it and pressed a kiss to his palm. 

“I didn’t know anything was wrong until after the concert, when I checked my phone. My brother had called dozens of times but I was so busy being focused on my singing and the concert and my own career…” A breath hitched in her chest. “I never got to say goodbye. I was _too busy_. How could I bring myself to sing again after that?”

There were a million empty platitudes he could fill the space between them with, but he was sure she’d heard them all before. And he knew in exquisitely painful detail what it felt like to blame yourself for tearing apart your family. So instead he said, “Thank you. For singing with me. For sharing your gift with me. I didn’t know your mom but I hope that she could hear how amazing you sounded.”

Julie smiled at him through her tears and it felt like the sun breaking through the clouds.

“Usually people tell me not to feel guilty.”

“If anyone knows anything about guilt, it’s me,” Luke laughed bitterly. “If you know how I can get rid of some of this guilt, please let me know.”

“Hey,” Julie gently tugged his hand away from his mouth. He hadn’t even noticed that he’d been chewing on his nails, but apparently his thumb nail was already down to the quick and stinging. “Tell me about it. I can’t promise it’ll fix anything, but I can promise to listen.”

He sighed, but she was right. Even more than that, he _wanted_ to tell her everything, which was a new feeling for him.

“I can’t even pinpoint where things started to go wrong, you know? I was in a band, a fucking amazing band and we were selling out shows, living like rockstars. Everything should have been uphill for us - record deals on the horizon, headlining our own tour, it seemed like everything was going our way. At some point though…”

Luke sighed and ran a hand through his hair. In some ways this was just like sharing at a meeting, only it was actually worse because he cared what Julie thought about him.

“You know after you have major surgery they give you pain meds and I had a bunch left over after,” he gestured at his chest, “and at first they just helped me sleep after a show, you know? All that energy bouncing around and I couldn’t shut my brain off. Then somehow I was taking them just to get through every day, and tolerance is a bitch because I was needing more and more. And then one day before a show another band that was performing the same night as us offered to let me in on their pre-show ritual. Doing cocaine for the first time was like snorting lightning straight into my brain, I was on fire on stage that night.”

He could still remember it too, clear and bright in his memory. Back when he didn’t know how badly things would go, when he was just living to have a good time. He was ashamed of how _good_ that memory still felt when he thought about it years later.

Julie kissed his knuckles again, prompting him to continue.

“The night before my twenty-third birthday was the last time I sang but…I don’t really know what happened exactly. I guess I took things too far and blacked out. And then the next day, we had a show and our bassist,” Luke couldn’t bring himself to say Reggie’s name, certain he would choke up and lose his composure, “well he caught me doing lines off of some random chick’s ass in the venue before soundcheck.”

He hesitantly lifted his gaze to meet Julie’s eyes, fearful of what he might find in them. Maybe anger, or hatred, or worse, _pity_. But she was just watching him, patiently waiting. He released a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding.

“Saying we fought was an understatement. When the rest of the band showed up, _god_ , we were such a mess. I hurt him so badly, I smashed his bass and said the cruelest things I could think of, all because I was fucking embarrassed. He cared so much though, he wanted to help, but I pushed him away and —“ Luke couldn’t stop his own tears then, so much for keeping his composure.

Julie wiped at his cheeks and leaned their foreheads together. “You loved him, didn’t you?”

Luke laughed wetly, “So much. For years at that point. But I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve any of them. I destroyed our band — our family.”

Then they were both crying, for families they had lost and the guilt they were both carrying on their shoulders and the relief of _telling someone_ and how their music was so connected to the joy and the pain and how it didn’t seem to be possible to have one without the other. 

After they’d both cried themselves out, tear tracks drying on their faces, Julie laid her head on Luke’s chest and drew constellations in his freckles, humming quietly under her breath.

“Is that _Lover_?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re such a dork,” Luke smiled, running his fingers through her hair. 

“Her music is great and you know it.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

Julie stilled and turned her head to look up at him. “I don’t know. There’s this guy and I thought maybe we could be heading for something but…” she sighed and shook her head, “I think he’s still too hung up on an ex. So, yeah, I don’t know.”

Luke nodded, because there wasn’t anything he could say to that. He’d known her for only about two days now — whatever they had was clearly chemistry but it was far too soon for love. 

From the way his heart throbbed when she pulled away from him to sit up, he might have to remind himself of that a few more times though. 

“I have to work tonight and I have to go back to my apartment to shower and get some clean clothes,” Julie said, stretching her arms over her head. Luke was sorely tempted to reach out and touch the miles of beautiful skin that were displayed in front of him, but he was trying to be a gentleman here. 

Still he pouted a little, mostly because he knew it would make her giggle. “I know, I’ve just enjoyed living in this little bubble and having you all to myself for the last two days. Working with you is like getting to hold a supernova in my hands. I’ve never met anyone as amazing as you, Julie.”

She paused after tugging her shirt back over her head to look at him incredulously. “Unbelievable,” she huffed and then grabbed his face in both her hands to kiss him fiercely, like she was stealing the very air from his lungs. 

“How do you just say things like that?”

Luke grinned, “It’s all part of my natural charm.”

Julie laughed and pushed him away, walking over to the kitchen table to grab her phone so she could order an Uber. Luke lazed on his bed and watched her as she continued to get dressed, finding various pieces of her clothing that they’d flung around the room in their hurry to be as close as possible, finally digging her purse out from where it had fallen between the couch and the wall. She paused by the door, though, and turned to look back at him.

“Luke…” Julie bit her lip, “I don’t mean to be presumptuous or anything but if I’d been in your band back then? I’d probably still be worried about you. And I’d be so proud to know how hard you’ve been working to be better.”

If her kiss felt like stealing his breath, this felt like being punched in the chest. Luke could have sworn his heart skipped about twelve beats at the thought of reaching out to—

“Just a thought, you know,” Julie looked back at the door, reaching down to adjust the straps of her shoes. 

“Um, so anyway, you should call me. Or come by the bar, we have open mic nights every Tuesday and I’m usually off on Wednesdays. We could, you know, practice some of the things we wrote, if you wanted.”

Luke finally seemed to catch his breath and bounded over to where she was standing, wrapping her up in a tight hug. 

“Yes, please,” he breathed into her hair, desperate not to let this amazing woman walk out of his life. 

A car honked from the street outside and they separated, reluctantly. 

“Bye,” Julie blew him a kiss over her shoulder as she slipped out his door and down the hallway. 

Luke’s traitorous heart thumped in his chest again and he knew that he was in way over his head, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret even a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fic and chapter titles are from "since i was young" by Wrabel (feat. Kesha), which is the song that inspired this fic. 
> 
> The Taylor Swift songs referenced in this chapter include "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together", "22", "Gorgeous", "Style", "You Belong With Me", "Tim McGraw", "Delicate", and "Lover".
> 
> The author will not apologize for her terrible taste in music.


	2. ain't it so bittersweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter specific content warnings include: drug addiction, referenced past drug use, discussions of drug use, referenced fight/breaking treasured objects during a fight, referenced child abuse, discussions of the Twelve Step Program

He couldn’t stop thinking about Julie. 

That wasn’t really a surprise though, he’d probably never be able to stop thinking about Julie. He wasn’t sure he ever _wanted_ to stop thinking about her. Luke had never known how to do things by halves - it was the best and worst thing about him, honestly.

But it wasn’t just Julie though and not just the fucking phenomenal music they made together either. He’d been tossing her parting words around his head like a rubber ball, watching them bounce around and around. 

It’s not like he’d never considered it before - hell, step eight was all about identifying everyone you’d hurt and he’d made his list. They had been right there at the top of it. But actually reaching out to them to make amends? Maybe he really was a coward after all. 

He was still thinking about them when he went to his parents’ place the next day for their reinstated weekly Patterson Family Dinner. Sixteen-year-old Luke would be appalled but these dinners were the highlight of thirty-year-old Luke’s week.

He couldn’t believe that it took his mom almost dying for him to pull his head out of his ass and start getting his shit together, but their love and support had saved his life. He’d never take his parents for granted again. So even if he didn’t enjoy every minute he got to have with them (and he really, really did), he’d still show up for Family Dinner with bells on. 

His mom could tell he was distracted, even as he was pretending not to cry when she brought out a chocolate cake that was absolutely covered in birthday candles. When he thought about how close he came to losing them permanently, every birthday felt like a miracle, so he could be excused the few tears that dripped down his nose as they sang _Happy Birthday_ loudly and off-key. 

She waited until after dinner to bring it up though, apparently deciding that an ambush while cleaning up was the best strategy. “So are you going to tell me about them?”

The fork he was washing slipped through his fingers and clattered loudly in the sink as he whipped his head around to look at her. “How - but - I mean, who are you talking about?” 

Yeah. That wasn’t his most convincing lie.

Emily Patterson laughed and patted Luke on the cheek, like he was still her adorable baby. “Oh honey, you’ve had a starstruck look on your face all night and you didn’t even notice when your father played air guitar with his fork -“

“He did _what_?”

“So don’t lie to your mother,” she sighed and set down the drying towel. “You know we were worried about you when you didn’t pick up your phone on your birthday. We know it’s a hard day so we were hoping you just needed some space. And then you walked in here tonight looking like - well, like that Christmas when we bought you that first guitar.”

That memory was bittersweet, tainted by the number of fights they’d had when Luke had decided that he cared more about music than school. He used to think his parents regretted that gift, but family therapy had helped them all discuss their feelings and come to terms with their own parts in their arguments. Like so many other things over the last year, it had been so hard but so worth it in the end, because now they could joke about things like this. 

But he still didn’t know where to start when trying to explain the last few days. 

“I guess, yeah,” he started, clutching the sponge and watching the soap bubble up between his fingers. “I met someone but it’s super new and it feels—“ _delicate_ , his mind supplied and he was back on that stage, getting lost in Julie’s eyes.

He shook his head and picked up the next dish, but his mom smiled knowingly. 

“That’s wonderful, sweetheart. Just make sure you’re taking care of you too, ok? Maybe think about calling your sponsor?”

Luke leaned over and kissed her cheek, because he loved his mom so much and he’d never be able to payback the kindness and support and hope she’d given back to him, even when he felt like an empty shell, a ghost haunting the empty spaces where their house used to be his childhood home. They’ve come so far, he thought. 

Maybe it wasn’t the craziest idea. Maybe, if he could fix this, he could mend some other relationships as well. Or at least give it a shot.

———  
———

He couldn’t stop bouncing. His knee kept knocking into the underside of the table and his jittery fingers were tapping out some random rhythm. If he had been standing, he’s sure he would have bounced straight out the door and into the street by now, where maybe some passing car could put him out of his misery.

Ok, so he was a little anxious. Just a bit though.

His knee hit the table again and caused his coffee cup to jangle on its saucer as if to directly refute that thought.

But it’s not like he didn’t have a good reason to be nervous. And, _god_ , but Alex was gonna laugh so hard at him when he got here - Luke cool-as-a-cucumber Patterson, anxious as hell just because of little ol’ him. 

Just because he was seeing Alex again for the first time in seven years - for the first time since Luke had torn their family to shreds and then stomped all over it, ruining all the hopes and dreams they had worked so hard to build.

Maybe laughing was too much to ask. He really just hoped Alex didn’t punch him in the face.

The tapping of his fingers sped up.

After Family Dinner, Luke had eventually called his sponsor. Mariana Lessa was a no-nonsense woman, toughened by years of being a high school principal and he adored her even when she wouldn’t let him get away with any of his bullshit. So he told her everything, about his cravings and about Julie and playing music again, and how he couldn’t stop wondering about his old band.

“You’re terrified though, right?”

Luke scoffed, “Weren’t you?”

Mariana sighed down the phone line. “Step Nine is one of the hardest parts of the process. Sometimes it doesn’t go great, I would know. But you’ve already done it once with your parents. You should give your band the same chance - don’t make their choices for them. Offer them an apology, but know that it’s up to them what happens after that.”

Luke knew she was right. She usually was.

He decided to start with Alex. Alex was his oldest friend - they’d met in kindergarten and had practically lived in each other’s houses until they both ran away in high school for the band. He didn’t know if he’d ever be able to reach out to Bobby, and Reggie was still too much of a raw wound. But he could start with Alex. 

Still, he had agonized for hours over what he was going to say when - _if_ \- he saw Alex again. Luke had run through half a notebook writing and re-writing a script for himself before he finally felt like he had something that wasn’t complete garbage, even if you couldn’t tell that from looking at his handwriting. Then he had to figure out how to get in touch with Alex. He didn’t know if his phone number had changed, but he didn’t want to risk accidentally calling some rando, so he dug out his old, rarely used Facebook login to send a message and prayed that Alex actually still used this profile. 

_hey. this is Luke. please don’t delete this, even though you have every right to. can we talk? face-to-face? there’s a lot i think that needs to be said, you know, between us._

_also i’m sorry. i should have led with that._

He left his phone on the counter and paced around his apartment, trying to stave off a panic attack. He couldn’t sit still long enough to distract himself with his guitar or trying to find a new Taylor Swift meme to text to Julie, so pacing a hole in his already pretty run down carpet was it. It felt like it had been twenty-five years when his phone finally buzzed and he nearly tripped over his own feet sprinting across the room to open it.

All the message had in it was an address for a coffeeshop. Then another message came through - _**tuesday. 1 pm. do not be late.**_

If anyone had asked, Luke wouldn’t even be able to deny how he had burst into relieved tears. It was barely anything, but he would’ve taken the tiniest drop of hope right then.

He was so distracted with his racing thoughts and bouncy legs that Luke missed the door of the coffeeshop opening, but when Alex slid into the chair across from him, it felt like every molecule in his body froze instantly.

 _God_ , Alex looked — well, older. Still good, but for some reason Luke was halfway expecting the scrawny, hunched-over teenager who couldn’t look anyone in the eye. He’d grown into his height, filling out the jeans and light pink button-down he was wearing. It was weird to see him without a hoodie and his fanny pack, but the years had changed them all, he supposed. 

This older version of Alex sat rigidly in the shop’s chair, arms crossed and staring straight at Luke.

“Alex…”

“You have ten minutes to say whatever it is that you need to say. And if it’s bullshit I’m going to call my husband to pick me up and you will never hear from me again, is that understood?” 

“Yes, yeah - ok - I mean, husband?”

Alex made an exaggerated show of looking at his watch. “Nine minutes and thirty seconds.”

Luke jumped and then hurriedly unfolded the apology script he’d shoved in his pocket earlier, smoothing it out onto the table in front of him. 

“Ok, so - uh, thank you for agreeing to see me today. I know it’s been a really long time and you have every reason to hate me, so I just wanted to say that I appreciate you giving me a chance to apologize, properly.”

Luke took a deep breath and fiddled with the edge of his paper, unable to look Alex in the face. He forced himself to continue, even though it felt like his throat was full of molasses and the words were stuck inside, “I acknowledge that my actions caused the rift in our friendship and I accept full responsibility for the hurt that I caused. But I wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything I did. I am sorry that I used drugs. I am even more sorry that I lied to you about using drugs and having a problem. I am so sorry I didn’t trust you. I’m sorry that I destroyed our band, our family, because I wouldn’t get help for my addiction. But mostly I’m sorry that I pushed you away when you tried to help me.”

Tears were blurring his eyes and dripping off the tip of his nose now, onto his script, but he knew the next part without looking, “Every morning I wake up and I regret everything I said that night. I will never be able to take those words back. And you don’t owe me a goddamn thing, especially not your forgiveness. But I’m working every day to be a better version of myself, one that is sober and kinder and might one day be worthy of being your friend again, if that’s something that might be on the table.”

A loud sob caused Luke to look up at Alex for the first time since he started. He looked _shattered_ , face red and shiny with tears. Vaguely, he wondered what the other patrons of this coffeeshop were thinking, two grown men sitting in the corner crying their eyes out, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when Alex abruptly stood up and came around the table. He yanked Luke up out of his chair and for a split second Luke braced himself for a punch that never came. Instead, Alex engulfed him in a hug that was too tight and overwhelming and Luke could barely breathe but something he didn’t have a name for slotted into place in his chest and it felt like a _miracle_.

“Goddamn you, Luke Patterson,” Alex said wetly, face buried in Luke’s shoulder. “I’m still pissed at you by the way.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Maybe it was a few minutes or maybe a few hours, Luke wouldn’t have been able to quantify the amount of time they stood there, gripping tightly to each other like if they let go the other person might vanish in front of them. He prayed that he wasn’t having an extremely vivid hallucination, but he’s not sure he could’ve dreamed up the feeling of Alex’s slimy snot dripping onto his neck or the way his toes were starting to ache from standing on them for so long. 

Gradually they parted, wiping at their faces with their sleeves and looking embarrassed but relieved. 

“Oh, uh, here,” Luke said awkwardly, pushing a small plate with a slice of banana bread on it across the table after they sat back down. “I didn’t know if you were gonna want any coffee but I remembered that banana bread used to be your favorite, so, I guess I was trying to butter you up?” He shrugged, aiming for casual but missing it by about six miles.

Alex, thankfully, just laughed at him. “Thanks, it’s still my favorite, though I’m spoiled by Willie in the baked goods department these days.”

“Willie?”

“My husband,” Alex said, with a dreamy smile, like he never got tired of saying that word. “We got married about three years ago. He’s an artist, but he loves to mess around in the kitchen and clearly I’ve been reaping the benefits.”

“Wow, man, he sounds amazing.”

“He really is. I should text him though, he’s expecting to hear from me. I told him to be on standby just in case,” Alex glanced over almost guiltily but Luke just shrugged. 

“Probably a good call. I wouldn’t have trusted me either.”

Alex opened his mouth as if to refute that, but then closed it with an awkward grimace. There wasn’t much either of them could say to that - Luke knew he’d broken a lot of promises and trust had to be earned.

“So,” Luke started, after Alex had sent off a quick text, “what are you up to these days?”

“School, mostly. I’m working on my bachelor’s degree in music education so that I can teach kids about the joy of music or something like that.”

“I think you just want to pay forward the the headache we gave our parents the first time we picked up our instruments, huh?”

Alex grinned at him and Luke could remember the first time they set up that rickety old drum set in the Mercer’s basement and starting banging out a bunch of noise with almost no understanding of what they were doing. He’d thought Mrs. Mercer was going to rip her hair out, being forced to listen to two obnoxious ten-year-olds discover rock-and-roll in her prim and proper uptown house. 

“What can I say? I just want to help them find their _passion_ ,” Alex laughed but his grin seemed to dim suddenly. He looked down at the table and fiddled with the fork sitting on the plate next to the uneaten banana bread. 

“Why now, Luke?” He glanced up and then right back down, and that was more like the Alex that Luke remembered. “It’s been years, man. What changed that you all of a sudden reached out now?”

Luke swallowed hard past the lump that had formed in his throat. He had known this was coming. He knew that he was gonna have to explain, even if he wished they could just jump back into the friendship they’d had. That was beyond a pipe dream.

“I got sober. For a year now - three hundred and seventy-three days to be exact.” Luke clenched his hands together on the table, his coin a solid, reassuring weight in the pocket of his hoodie. “I meant it when I said I was working on being a better person. And, uh, part of the process is admitting that you hurt people and making amends with them. Accepting responsibility and all that shit.”

Alex eyed him across the table. Luke wasn’t sure what exactly he was looking for, but he tried his best to be an open book - even if he wanted to, he didn’t have the energy to lie to his oldest friend, not any more, not ever again. 

“Well, shit,” Alex shook his head, “I never thought I’d see the day that Luke Patterson was all grown up, but here we are. Are we sure the world isn’t ending?”

Luke laughed, “Fuck off man, I’m serious.”

“Yeah, that’s why it’s so surprising,” Alex smirked, but it gentled into something soft and fond. “It seems like a good thing though. I’m proud of you.”

Luke was _not_ going to start crying in public again. He’d cried so much over the last week, he was getting really tired of the waterworks. 

Luckily, Alex didn’t comment on his tears, even if it was only because he was blinking back his own. “Are you still doing any music stuff?”

“Not since - well, not for a long time. I was in a messed up place,” he admitted, even though it didn’t really need to be said. “But I met this girl recently, last week actually. And, uh, we kinda performed together and well - she’s amazing.” Luke wondered if he looked as starstruck as he felt every time he mentioned Julie, but judging from his friend’s smirk he definitely did. 

“Mmhmm,” Alex raised an eyebrow, “How do you ‘kinda perform’ with someone?”

“Well the bar was mostly empty I guess—“

“I’m not sure I want to hear about what kind of ‘performance’ you did with a strange girl in an empty bar—”

“Shut up,” Luke was sure he was blushing all the way to the tips of his ears. “We just sang together for an open mic night.”

“Sure you did, buddy.”

“There’s - ah - actually another one tonight. Open mic night, I mean. The bar will probably still be pretty empty, it’s kinda a dive. But you could, I dunno, come watch, if you wanted? Even bring Willie, I guess, if you guys don’t have anything better to do?”

Luke was looking back down at his apology script that was still sitting on the table in front of him, but he looked up when a phone slid on top of the paper. It was open to a contact for “Luke Rock God Patterson” that looked like it hadn’t changed since Luke himself had typed his chosen name in there, well over ten years ago. 

“My number hasn’t changed. But uh, you should update yours, if it has. And then text me the location of the bar and the time. I don’t have class tonight and I think Willie is free too.”

Alex smiled at him and finally reached down to pick up his banana bread and _dammit_ but Luke said he wasn’t gonna cry again, especially not over something as stupid as an iPhone contact name. 

But in his lowest moments over the last few years, Luke had always imagined that his friends had been so angry at him that they would’ve deleted, thrown out, or destroyed every trace of his presence in their lives - he’d been angry and drowning in self-loathing for so long that he’d mastered the art of self-destruction to try and do the same thing to himself. He had been so sure that they’d hated him - but to see proof that they’d maybe missed him just as much as he’d been missing them caused something warm and bright to flicker to life in his chest. 

Mariana was gonna say _I told you so_ forever, Luke thought somewhat giddily, picking up the phone and happily typing in his new number. 

It felt like a new start. But he still added about six guitar emojis at the end of his name, just to be obnoxious, because some things never change.

———  
———

“So you’re Luke, huh?”

A very large, balding man with a thick grey beard eyed him from behind the bar and Luke did his best not to shrink underneath his gaze. This must be the eponymous Dave of _Dave’s Bar_. 

“Yes?” Why did he phrase that like a question?

“Hmph,” the older man crossed his arms. “I’ve heard about you.”

Luke turned his head around to shoot a glare at where Mr. Peterson was leaning back into his usual corner. He waved at Luke with a sheepish expression on his face. _Busted_. 

“Listen up boy,” and that was the scariest affirmation of his gender that Luke had ever received, “Julie’s been through a lot of shit. She can take care of herself. But she’s my favorite employee and there’s baseball bat under this bar that I usually reserve for running off neo-nazi scumbags. Do not make me need to use it, do you understand me?”

Luke had been in a lot of questionable situations before with people who had not had his best interests in mind, but this moment was next level terrifying.

“Yes, sir, understood completely. I would never - I mean, I could never hurt Julie. Like not on purpose, she’s - well, she’s _amazing_.”

Dave narrowed his eyes, but didn’t reach for his bat, so Luke was going to count that as a win. 

“Glad you know it. Now since you’re here early you might as well help set up the stage. I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Luke jumped at the opportunity to do something useful with all the restless energy that had been bouncing around his body since he and Alex had parted ways earlier that afternoon. They’d talked for hours, catching each other up on their lives and all the small details they’d missed, even as they had carefully talked around the elephant playing the bass in the room. 

(“So have you talked to - uh - anyone else?” _From the band_ , Alex had not said, but Luke had heard it anyway.

“No, not - not yet. I, uh, don’t know - it took me a while to figure out what to say. So I guess…”

“Well you know he deserves an apology more than anyone.”

“Yeah,” Luke had sighed, because of course he knew that. He thought about that every single day. Alex hadn’t brought up the topic again, thankfully.)

After they had parted, and Alex had said that he would bring Willie around to the bar later that night, Luke had gone home but hadn’t been able to sit still. He tried practicing a couple of the songs that he and Julie had written, unsure of which ones she’d want to pull out tonight or if she’d want to stick with covers again. When that hadn’t held his attention, he thought about texting Julie, but couldn’t figure out what to say other than a thousand exclamation points. He’d talked to his oldest friend and it hadn’t exploded in his face! They were gonna make music again tonight! He wanted to kiss her whole face because he hadn’t stopped thinking about how beautiful she was when she was on a stage or in his bed or at literally any other moment in time!

Ok, so he was a little amped. 

Instead of wandering, which was his usual go to, he decided to head to the bar early, even though he knew Julie wouldn’t be there for her shift for at least another half hour. Dragging the instruments from out of a tiny supply closet and setting them up, even if it was just a keyboard, a guitar, an incomplete set of drums, and a handful of microphones, took up enough of his attention that he was able to calm the racing of his heart. 

Which was good, because as soon as he saw Alex pushing open the bar door, holding hands with a tall, dark-haired stranger his heart rate sped right back up.

It was fine. He could do this. He could have friends again. He could play music in front of other people, people that _mattered_ , again. This was going to be fine.

 _God_ , please let this be fine. 

Alex waved and dragged the other man who must have been Willie over to the stage where Luke was trying to make sense of the tangled mess of microphone cords. 

“Luke, man, you really know how to pick a place. We must’ve walked past this bar a dozen times before we found it. Also what is that smell?” Alex scrunched his face up.

“You know I think it’s best if you just don’t ask, to be honest.”

Alex frowned even more, but his husband threw his head back and laughed. “Lighten up, hot dog, we’re here to have a good time and listen to some good music, right?”

Luke held his hands up, “I can’t make any promises about the quality of my performance tonight, but Julie does sing like an angel. I’m Luke by the way.”

“I’m Willie,” he held his arm out to Luke so they could bump their forearms together, and wasn’t it nice that someone was acting casual around here. “Alex has told me all about you guys and the trouble you used to get into.”

Luke grimaced, briefly imagining all the horrible things that Alex could have told him, but Willie was still smiling and relaxed, so maybe he should just calm down. Not everything had to be so dramatic, Patterson, chill out. 

Of course, the very next second the door to the bar was practically flung off its hinges and Julie was almost running inside, out of breath, announcing, “Sorry I’m late, Dave! My car was being a piece of shit and wouldn’t start so I had to call my friend to give me a ride!”

Luke missed Dave’s grumbled response, so caught up in seeing Julie again. She looked stunning, her dark curls cascading down the back of the black dress she was wearing over silver leggings as she shrugged off her olive green jacket - at least one of them had dressed for December, but Luke didn’t think he would ever enjoy wearing sleeves. 

Then she looked up at the stage and made eye contact with him. Her face lit up with a smile and Luke felt like he had finally seen the sun after weeks of rain. 

And in the next instant, every bit of warmth turned to ice water crashing down around his head. 

The door opened again, and there was a voice that Luke would recognize instantly, could never in a million years forget, calling out, “Hey Julie, your phone fell out in my car! Oh hey, Alex and Willie, what are you guys doing…here…”

Reggie was staring at Luke, frozen in the doorway, hand outstretched with Julie’s phone and Luke couldn’t have looked away if a bomb had gone off right next to him.

He looked exactly the same and completely different - still wearing a leather jacket over red flannel but he’d traded ripped skinny jeans for a more relaxed fit and some ridiculous cowboy boots. His eyes were still the brightest blue that Luke had ever seen, but his whole face seemed different, like he’d lost the happy-go-lucky charm that used to light up any room he was in and traded it in for a sort of heaviness that hung around his neck, drawing his shoulders down. 

Luke couldn’t breathe - looking at him, so alive and real and standing right in front of him again. It was as if time had frozen solid and every iteration of Reggie he’d ever known was standing in front of him like ghosts of his past come back to haunt him, like - 

He was twelve again and sneaking out of the cafeteria with Alex to go to the music classroom, but the quiet new kid had beat them there, messing around with the school’s ancient bass guitar and Luke thought he was the coolest person he’d ever seen. 

He was fourteen again and stuttering over his words, explaining that _actually I’m a boy and my name is Luke_ and preparing for his friend to abandon him forever, but instead Reggie had hugged him and let him cry and Luke didn’t know what he did to deserve a friend like him.

He was sixteen again and running away from home with nowhere else to go but the garage they called a studio, but when he pulled the door open the lights were already on because Reggie was collapsed on the couch, nursing a black eye, and Luke wanted to beat the shit out of Reggie’s dad, not for the first time.

He was eighteen again and pushing through the pain to finish the set because this performance was so important, but goddamn his still-healing chest hurt and his back hurt and his feet hurt and that’s what the pills were for right so what could it hurt to just take a few each night, but later that night Reggie curled up around him on the couch, a press of warmth against all his aches, and asked if he was ok, and Luke wasn’t even lying when he said he was fine, because of course he was fine. 

He was twenty again and living on top of the world because Sunset Curve was making every dream come true and now they were really going to record an album and they’d be legends, like the biggest middle finger to his parents and teachers, but the best moments were on stage when Reggie’s face was within an inch of his, sharing his microphone and screaming out the songs they wrote together and Luke wasn't sure if it was the pills or the adrenaline or something else altogether but he desperately wanted to kiss him because he loved him, he loved him, he _loved_ him so _fucking_ much.

He was twenty-three again and destroying his life, screaming at Reggie to _stop judging me_ and _leave me the fuck alone_ , throwing the bass guitar at the wall just to watch it smash into a thousand unrepairable pieces, but Reggie just cried and screamed back _let me help you, why are you doing this_ , and Luke —

Luke —

Luke was wondering if this was what dying felt like.

Later, in some far-flung hypothetical universe where they were all still friends who could laugh about things like this, later they might say the moment was comical, almost. Everyone frozen, staring at each other, slack jawed with surprise and dawning realization, when Mr. Peterson managed to knock an empty beer bottle to the ground.

The shattering noise of the glass was as loud as a gunshot in the otherwise silent bar and the whole room seemed to flinch violently on impact. 

Suddenly it felt like everything was moving on fast forward. Reggie almost threw Julie’s phone into her hands, pausing only for a second to press a gentle kiss to her hair, before turning around and nearly sprinting out the door. 

Luke tried to jump off the stage to follow him, but his feet were too tangled in the microphone wires and he tripped and fell into Willie, knocking them both into Alex and landing in a heap on the sticky floor. 

“Sorry!” Luke yelped as he scrambled to his feet again, desperate to make it out the door, but Julie was three steps ahead of him, running out after Reggie and calling his name.

“Reggie, wait! Don’t make me run after you in these heels you asshole —”

The freezing air of the December night slammed into him, like icy needles under his skin and Luke would have regretted not wearing a jacket if he actually had space in his head to think of anything other than _Reggie Reggie Reggie_.

Reggie, who had stopped halfway up the block in front of a beat up old Camry, with his back turned to them. He was fiddling with his keys but not actually making any effort to open the car or get inside. About two steps away from him, Julie stood, looking like she wanted to reach out and touch him, but wasn’t sure if it would be welcome.

“Reggie…” Julie said softly.

“What the fuck is going on, Jules?” Reggie sounded slightly hysterical and honestly Luke couldn’t blame him. He would also like to know what the fuck was going on. “Why the hell is he in your bar?”

When Reggie turned around, his face was splotchy with bright spots of redness and his eyes shined, but he wasn’t actually crying.

“Luke? He’s just some guy I met last week at open mic night,” Julie was trying to explain, stumbling over her words, “You remember when everyone was so pissed that I basically didn’t answer my phone for two days?”

“You spent two days hooking up with _Luke fucking Patterson_?” The noise that Reggie made was somewhere between a laugh and a sob, ragged and wet and it punched Luke in the throat. “What the hell, how is this happening.”

From behind, Luke watched Julie’s body language turn to hardened steel and she crossed those last steps to stab her finger in Reggie’s chest. “No, you don’t get to do this. You don’t get to shame me when we’re not officially anything. I was honest with you and you told me you weren’t ready, but you can’t expect me to sit around and wait for you to get your shit together like I’m one of those girls in your country songs.”

Luke’s brain made a sound like a record scratch.

“Wait a minute - _Reggie_ is your ‘I don’t know’?”

Julie and Reggie both jumped and whirled around, becoming aware of their audience for the first time.

Reggie’s face contorted in a mixture of anger, shame, hurt, and confusion as he made eye contact with Luke for the second time that night. 

Luke knew he should say something - probably start with _sorry_ repeated a thousand times, maybe even falling on his knees to do some groveling - but, well there had been a reason that he’d written a script for Alex. All of his words seemed to have evaporated, leaving him empty and grasping at any semblance of intelligence as the silence stretched awkward and thin between them.

“Fuck you,” Reggie whispered, but Luke felt the words like a shout. “I don’t know why you’re here or how you found me again, but if you’re just here to hurt someone that I - I love, then you should leave, Luke. Leave like you always do.”

Getting shot would probably hurt less than this, Luke thought. He was raw, his old wounds torn open by those sharp words and he wouldn’t have been surprised to look down to find himself bleeding out onto the sidewalk. 

Julie sucked in a sharp breath as she looked between the two of them, finally connecting the dots, “Wait, you know Luke? _He’s_ the ex you told me about?”

“Something like that,” Reggie snorted and looked down at the scuffed toes of this boots. “Fuck, I’m sorry Jules, I can’t - I gotta go, I’ll call you later.”

Before anyone could say anything, Reggie jumped in his car and took off down the street, leaving stunned silence in his wake. 

Julie looked devastated, hands curled into the hem of her dress, face crumpled and broken. She shivered hard, as if the coldness of the night had finally caught up with her and Luke wanted to offer her a jacket or maybe any words at all that could fix what had just happened, but he stood empty handed and feeling nothing but a spreading numbness inside.

Then a switch seemed to flip inside of her, and he watched her pull herself together with what must have been momentous strength. How many times had she needed to do this before? How many times had she been hurt and been forced to repair her own wounds, because no one else was going to do it for her - this wasn’t a skill that she had picked up overnight, but one crafted and honed through years of pain. 

Luke was sure he didn’t look anywhere near that composed. He didn’t know what he looked like, how much his own face was saying to Julie when she finally looked at him.

“I have to work,” Julie finally said and it was almost funny to be reminded that the regular world was still spinning around them even if it felt like Luke’s world had come crashing down again. 

Julie walked back past him, holding her arms tight against her body and taking care not to touch him. She paused, momentarily next to him, said, “I don’t think I’m going to be singing tonight,” and then headed back into the bar.

She had to push past Alex and Willie, who had crammed themselves into the doorway of the bar to watch events unfold. Even Mr. Peterson was peeking through the blinds, though who knows how much he’d actually been able to see through the dirty windows. 

Good to know that Luke’s life was still one big performance, his bad decisions played out in front of an audience, just like old times. 

_Fuck it_ , but this was not how this night was supposed to go, things were supposed to be getting _better_ and what was even the point of all the shit he’d worked so hard on for the last year if he was never going to be able to outrun the demons that followed his every move. He was _so fucking tired_ of this and now he was gonna have to walk back into that bar and deal with Alex’s pity and Willie’s confusion and Julie’s broken heart, and Dave’s fucking baseball bat and he just didn’t want to. Didn’t want to deal with anything right now, didn’t want to hurt this much, didn’t want to _think_ anymore.

He just wanted—

Well. He still knew where to get that.

Without any warning, Luke took off running and didn’t look back, even when he heard Alex calling out his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought none of this is specifically referenced in this chapter, the musical references for angsty past Luke is pretty much all of Machine Gun Kelly's Tickets to My Downfall album, specifically "forget me too" and "drunk face". Also "I Think I'm OKAY" by Machine Gun Kelly, Yungblud, and Travis Barker.
> 
> Fun fact: in the show, Principal Lessa's name is a shoutout to the original actress who played Julie in the Brazilian show, Mariana Lessa. So that's why I made her be Luke's sponsor, as my own little Easter egg shoutout. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who commented or left kudos! Y'all give me the warmest of fuzzies <3


	3. you just go and you hope that you’ll grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised everyone a happy ending, so I really hope this lives up to everyone's expectations!
> 
> Chapter specific content warnings include: drug addiction, referenced past drug use, referenced past drug overdose, discussions of drug use, discussions of Twelve Step programs, referenced fight/breaking treasured objects during a fight, referenced dubious consent (specifically: kissing while intoxicated/blacked out), non-explicit consensual sexual activity

There was someone sitting in front of the door to his apartment. Luke sighed as he made his way down the hall. He was too exhausted to get into a fight with his neighbors right now about appropriate places to pass out drunk. He just wanted to get inside and forget about what a nightmare the last day had been.

Then the lump of clothing moved and Reggie’s head popped up from inside his jacket and Luke stumbled and almost fell over in shock. 

“What?” Luke asked hoarsely. “I just - what? What are you doing here?”

“Throwing out my back, clearly,” Reggie straightened up and it sounded like every bone in his body cracked painfully. “Where the fuck have you been, Patterson? I’ve been waiting for hours.”

Luke gaped. Maybe he was hallucinating. Maybe he’d died and this was his personal version of hell. All of that seemed more realistic than his former bandmate - who’d told him to go to hell less than twelve hours ago - sitting outside his apartment. 

“I was - uh - busy,” came the lamest response probably _ever_.

Reggie snorted, “Oh yeah, was it time for the monthly Assholes Anonymous meeting?”

Luke choked on his own spit and had to spend a few seconds trying not to die. 

“I mean, we usually prefer Narcotics Anonymous, but yeah sometimes I guess it boils down to the same thing.”

“Oh.” Reggie looked awkwardly at his hands, “Uh, I didn’t mean -”

“It’s fine.” Luke dug his keys out of his pocket and went to unlock his door. “Do you want to come inside? So maybe my neighbors will stop eavesdropping on us?”

Reggie slowly got to his feet and followed Luke inside, hands stuffed into his jacket pockets like he was trying not to fidget. Luke had barely done any cleaning since Julie had left the week prior, just changed his sheets, so he internally cringed at the state of everything. Quickly, he grabbed up a pile of laundry off his couch and shoved it into his closet. The open notebooks and stacks of dishes were just going to have to wait until Reggie was done with whatever this was going to be, Luke supposed. 

“Julie gave me your address,” Reggie mentioned as he walked slowly around the apartment, answering a question that Luke hadn’t even thought about, because he still wasn’t convinced this wasn’t a hallucination. “She was pretty pissed when I called her.”

“Oh.”

“You know, Alex called me thirty-eight times last night?” Reggie asked, his back turned to Luke as he examined the one family photo Luke had framed on his wall.

Luke nodded, “Yeah, I haven’t checked my phone but I’m sure I’ll have just as many missed calls. He always was such a worrier.”

Reggie made a noise that was almost a laugh, “Willie’s been really good for him. Helps calm him down a lot.”

“That’s - that’s really good. They seem really good.” 

He wasn’t sure exactly what was happening, why Reggie was here, let alone casually engaging in the most excruciating small talk of his life, but Luke found himself almost vibrating with anxiety, wondering when the other shoe would drop.

“So,” Reggie finally turned to face Luke. “You ran away from everyone at the bar, on foot, when it’s freezing outside, turned your phone off, and then vanished for twelve hours. And yet somehow everyone called _me_. Feels just like old fuckin’ times, doesn’t it?”

Luke shivered at the icy tone. “Reggie…”

“Where the fuck did you go?”

“I wasn’t lying earlier,” Luke shrugged. He couldn’t lie now either, could never lie to Reggie ever again, “I went to a meeting. It was in the basement of the Methodist church a few streets over. It’s not my home group but that was the closest open meeting. And then afterwards I called my sponsor and she let me crash on her couch, but she had to leave early to go to work, so I came back here.”

Reggie still looked wary, like he hadn’t been expecting that answer and wasn’t sure he could trust it.

Luke sighed, “Look I’m not saying I didn’t think about getting high - I think about it all the time honestly, but that’s why I went to a meeting instead. I mean, there’s some saliva-based drug testing kits in the bathroom if you want proof. My mom had trouble trusting me for a while too.”

“No - that’s not - I mean, shit, Luke what am I supposed to think, huh?” Reggie ran a hand through his hair, messing up the already wild strands even further. “The last time I saw you, you were high as a kite and ruining my life - and now you just show up again? Out of nowhere?” 

Reggie looked almost helplessly lost and Luke wished fervently he had a better answer, something hopeful or optimistic, that maybe things were happening for a reason, but that sounded trite and empty even inside his own head.

“I don’t know, ok? I didn’t plan on any of this happening, I didn’t even know that Julie knew you, ok? How did you two even meet?”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but her best friend works with Alex’s husband, who I thought I could trust not to surprise me like this—”

“Jesus fucking Christ, it wasn’t Alex’s fault, last night was a mistake—”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that one before,” Reggie grumbled.

Luke ran his hands over his face, he wanted to scream because nothing he was saying was coming out right. “This was so much easier with Alex, at least I was able to write an apology letter for him.”

“You wrote Alex an apology?” Reggie asked, high pitched and almost hysterical, “I didn’t even get a text, but you wrote him a whole damn letter?”

“I wrote you a hundred songs!” Luke shouted and then instantly wished he could take it back. That admission was too much, too intimate, and Reggie would understand in a heartbeat what it meant. Luke’s love language had always been music.

Luke collapsed on the couch and tilted his head to stare at the ceiling, so he wouldn’t have to look at Reggie’s face. 

“Didn’t you ever listen to any of Bobby’s albums?”

Reggie snorted disdainfully, “You mean _Trevor’s_ songs? The ones that we wrote?”

“Not just those, but all the others too,” Luke sighed. “He came to see me a bunch after everything went down. I thought he was still my friend, that he just wanted to see me, but it turns out he was stealing my song notebooks. And he ended up recording a lot of songs I had never meant to show anyone. To show, well, you mostly.”

Luke remembered the first time he had heard _My Name Is Luke_ on the radio and how it felt like losing his mind and having his heart ripped out of his chest at the same time. How he felt so exposed as the voice of his former friend sang _this beat-up body holds a boy who’s falling in love with you_ , casually plastering all of Luke’s most closely guarded secrets on display for the world. That had been the first night that Luke ended up in an emergency room discovering how much a naloxone-induced withdrawal sucked, but it wouldn’t be the last. 

The couch shifted as Reggie sat down next to Luke, close enough that he could feel the warmth of his body, but with a sliver of air between them so they weren’t actually touching.

“I don’t know if I can do this again, Luke,” Reggie whispered.

Luke couldn’t help the catch in his breath, but he wasn’t going to cry, he _wasn’t_.

Reggie continued, “I think about that night all the time, you know? The night before everything went to hell.”

“The night _before_ our fight?” Luke asked, confused by the seemingly random statement.

“Yeah, that one,” Reggie sighed wistfully, “I’ll never forget it. _The Orpheum_ was such an amazing venue, all our songs were on fire, we were playing better than we ever had before. And you…After the show, in the dressing room? I thought all my dreams were coming true, you know?”

A sense of dread was rising through Luke’s stomach, filling his throat with bile and acid. He didn’t remember that show, didn’t remember whatever it was that had Reggie’s face looking so soft and vulnerable right now - he hadn’t been lying when he’d told Julie he’d blacked out that night and now he was afraid to find out what had actually happened. He almost wished it was something awful, like getting into a fist fight or stealing something or —

“You kissed me and it was everything I’d been hoping for since I was fifteen.”

Luke was frozen in panic, fear, and — and _want_ , so much desire it was nearly overwhelming how badly he wanted to turn back time and be that dumb twenty-two-year-old again, one who had clearly had the whole world in his hands but had squandered it all. How could he have forgotten kissing his best friend?

“ _Fucking hell_ , Reg, I am so sorry.”

“It wasn’t that bad of a kiss,” Reggie joked, but then he turned to look at Luke and froze, seeing the anguish broadcasted across his face.

“That’s not - I mean, I don’t remember that night. It was one of the first times that I - I took things too far and I blacked out. I barely remember playing _The Orpheum_ at all, and nothing that came after.”

“Oh.”

Luke was dreading the answer, but he grit his teeth and forced himself to ask, “What - what else happened that night? Did we, you know…?” He gestured vaguely between them.

Reggie choked and turned bright red. “No - no, nothing like that. I mean, we made out for a bit but Bobby came back and interrupted us before - and then he dragged us to an afterparty where we got split up and I didn’t see you again until…well, the next day. It’s why I was at the venue so early, I was looking for you when it all, you know, happened. I assume you remember that, right?”

“Yeah.”

In retrospect, this new piece of knowledge made perfect sense, made everything else make more sense - as much as any part of that night could make sense. Luke had always thought he’d been alone in his pining for Reggie, his desires unreciprocated. But now he could put Reggie’s reaction in context - he’d been livid about the drugs, but watching Luke be surrounded by three groupies in various states of undress must have felt like the ultimate betrayal coming so swiftly on the heels of a first kiss. The resulting fight was a break up of more than just the band, even if Luke hadn’t realized it at the time. 

How many precious moments had Luke missed over the years? How many glances and touches? How much love had he left broken on the ground? 

He felt like he was holding all those broken bass pieces in his hands, cutting his fingers on the sharp edges and watching the blood drip out as he frantically tried to make the jagged edges come together. But Luke had never had much practice in building things, only in breaking them.

How could he ever fix this?

“So, where do we go from here?” Luke glanced over and - shit, Reggie was crying, silent tears streaming down his face, dripping onto his jeans and the couch and the carpet. 

Luke slid to his knees on the floor in front of Reggie and carefully reached out to hold onto his wrists, gently pulling his fists away from his mouth. He didn’t know how to fix things, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t _try_. 

“I should have started with this, but I’m always fucking up these apologies, so,” Luke took a deep breath, “I’m sorry, Reggie, so fucking sorry for everything. Every time I hurt you or lied to you or didn’t trust you. My life is filled with “should-haves” and regrets, but you are number one on all my lists. If I could go back in time there’s a million things I would change - but I can’t, I can only move forward from here. I can only say that I was wrong, seven years ago, more wrong than I even knew. But who I am now is trying to be better - every day I wake up wanting to be better, to be someone that the people I love can be proud of.”

Luke was crying now too, snot running out of his nose, and why did Reggie still look so damn pretty when he cried when Luke turned into a complete mess? 

“And, Reg, you have to know that you’re one of those people. I’ve loved you since I was twelve and watching you play for the first time. And even in my lowest moments - and I’ve had so many really shitty moments - I never stopped loving you.”

Reggie relaxed his fists so Luke could slide his fingers in the gaps between, and then they were grasping at each other so tightly it should have hurt but it just felt like all the broken pieces in Luke’s chest were finally snapping into place.

Luke leaned forward so that his forehead was resting against Reggie’s, and whispered, “I know that I hurt you and I don’t deserve a second of your time, but please give me a second chance. Let me prove to you that I can be your friend again.”

Reggie let out a wet laugh that only sounded slightly hysterical. “Friend? You give me this big impassioned speech about how much you love me and think that I can just be your friend?”

“I didn’t want to presume anything, I’m trying to be a gentleman,” another laugh and it sounded better than he’d ever imagined, like a spark of hope, “And also there’s Julie.”

“Right, Julie,” Reggie made a wounded noise in the back of this throat and tried to pull back, but Luke held on tighter, pulled him closer. He couldn’t lose this, not now when he’d just gotten it back, but he could see the edges of a future forming where maybe, if he was very careful, he wouldn’t have to lose anything. It was _terrifying_ but beautiful and Luke wanted it more than anything.

“Please, just hear me out. Meeting Julie last week was the best thing to happen to me since I decided to get sober. And none of this would have happened without whatever accident of fate brought me to her bar and got us both on stage together, singing and playing and making _music_ again. She makes me feel alive, you know?”

Luke smiled helplessly at the memory of Julie in his apartment, hair a mess but still the most beautiful thing he’d seen in years, holding his guitar and singing their lyrics straight at him. Reggie’s face was soft and open like he was remembering something similar and that gave him the courage to continue, holding his breath and hoping that this wouldn’t explode in his face.

“She told me about you, when she was was here. I asked if she’d ever been in love and she told me about _you_ ,” Luke pressed a swift kiss to the back of his knuckles. “And I know you love her too, you have to or you wouldn’t have sat all night in my hallway when she asked.”

Luke shuddered through a deep breath, “Don’t you see what kind of - of _miracle_ this is? That you found each other, that _we_ found each other again?”

“Luke, what are you saying?” 

“I’m saying that - that maybe I’m just greedy or crazy or - or who knows what but I know that I love you and I’m falling in love with Julie too, and I think both of you might feel the same. And I’ve lived with so much regret for so long that I don’t want to regret not taking this chance.”

The words were barely out of his mouth before Reggie was tilting his head and bringing their lips together — soft, tentative, a second chance at a first kiss. 

If kissing Julie was like bright sparks of electricity, then kissing Reggie was the low warmth of a fireplace that had burned down to embers, gentle and pulsing, but with an undercurrent of heat that could be fanned into flames at any moment. 

They weren’t there yet, but someday, maybe. 

Reggie pulled back, slowly, carefully sitting back against the couch but didn’t let go of Luke’s hands. 

“This isn’t gonna be easy.”

“No, it’s not.”

“And Julie’s still pissed at both of us.”

“Yeah, I know,” Luke nodded and bit his lip, but he could feel the grin spreading across his face, unable to hold back the happiness building in his chest. “I have an idea for that though.”

———  
———

Reggie held the door to _Dave’s Bar_ open as Luke carefully maneuvered the two guitar cases he was carrying through the frame. The overhead lights were on, so they could clearly see that the bar was empty - no Mr. Peterson lurking in the corner or anyone hovering behind the bar - good. For once, he didn’t want an audience for any of this.

“Bar’s closed,” Julie’s voice called from the supply closet.

Reggie glanced at him, but he just shrugged. They had come at closing time on purpose. 

“We know,” he called back.

There was a loud crashing noise from the closet and they winced as Julie started swearing very creatively. Seconds later, her head popped out of the doorway and she glared at them. 

“I’d kick you both out but I’m gonna need some help cleaning this back up, and oh look you’ve both just volunteered yourselves,” she moved back behind the bar, crossing her arms and scowling at them.

“Yeah, of course, we’ll help you, Julie,” Luke said.

Reggie nodded, “Definitely. I - I mean, we would do anything for you.”

Julie scoffed and starting stacking glasses. “Really? You both seemed very eager to run out of here the other day. Alex and I had to piece the story together by ourselves.” They both winced, but couldn’t deny anything.

“Listen,” Julie sighed, “I hope you two got yourselves figured out. I’m not here to be a therapist for whatever relationship drama you feel like acting out today -”

“Wait, wait Julie, that’s not - not why we’re here,” Luke interrupted her. He really wanted to reach across the bar and grab her hands, get her to pause for a minute and look at them, but he was still holding their guitars, which was getting somewhat inconvenient. He set the cases down on the nearest table and pulled Reggie over to the bar so they could be across from Julie. 

“We came to say we’re sorry, first off,” Reggie said, “I didn’t mean to make you feel ashamed of having sex with Luke. I was upset at seeing him and my reaction had nothing to do with you, you can sleep with whoever you want, obviously, though if this goes well -“

“We’ll get to that,” Luke said hurriedly, cutting Reggie off before he could spoil their plans. “And, Julie, I’m sorry that I ran off instead of explaining and that I turned my phone off and didn’t call anyone back. I’m sorry that I worried you.”

Julie eyed them both warily.

“Reggie told me you went to a meeting after you ran off.” It wasn’t a question, but Luke could hear what she was asking anyway.

“I swear to you, I didn’t use anything. The only needles that get near me these days are for tattoos and testosterone.” 

That got a small smile out of Julie, at least.

“I guess, what we’re really trying to say is that we screwed up with the communication part of everything. So we’re here to do a better job of, you know, communicating our feelings to you,” Reggie gave her a shy smile and Luke felt his heart trip over itself at the sight. He really had it bad.

“And because music is so important for us, all of us, we prepared something to help with our communication this time.”

Luke unlatched the cases, handing one guitar to Reggie and throwing the other strap over his head as they settled themselves on to barstools. Julie leaned back against the counter, still with her arms crossed but a curious expression on her face.

Reggie nodded at Luke to go ahead and lead them in with the initial chords. 

“ _I remember what you wore on the first day you came into my life and I thought hey, you know this could be something_ ,” Luke sang softly, keeping his eyes focused on his fingers as they moved across the strings of his guitar. Singing with Julie was easy like breathing; singing for Julie made him oddly nervous.

But then Reggie joined him on the chorus, “ _So maybe it’s true, that I can’t live without you, well maybe two is better than one_ ,” and it was everything he’d been missing for years, the parts of Luke that he had thought were lost forever were still there, just waiting for a little sunlight to bring them out of the dark. 

Luke looked up and Julie’s hand was covering the curve of her mouth, smile tremulous and delicate but eyes shining with something hopeful. 

With the way they sounded, everything felt possible tonight. Luke poured every ounce of emotion that he’d been forced to face over the last couple of weeks into making sure that they both knew he meant every word of “ _And I’ve figured out when all is said and done, two is better than one_.” 

As their voices faded out, Luke couldn’t stop himself from grinning at Reggie. He was almost giddy with delight, hope bubbling up behind his sternum. There were so many ways this could go wrong, so many ways he could screw this up again, but he wanted to believe in something again. He wanted to believe in Julie and Reggie and the three-part harmony of their hearts.

“Wow,” Julie said, raising her eyebrows at them.

“Is that like, a good wow?” Reggie asked, scrunching up his face and tilting his head.

Julie made a humming noise as she walked around the bar to stand in front of them. “So when you said you knew every Taylor Swift song, you really meant _every_ Taylor Swift song, huh?”

Luke blushed to the tips of his ears and buried his face in his hands to avoid looking at Reggie’s smug grin. 

“Shut up,” came the muffled response, but Julie’s laughter still made him smile.

“You know we played the same club as Boys Like Girls, once? Well, ok we played behind the club they were playing in. It was an alley. Same thing though, really, if you think about it.” Reggie was rambling, like he was nervous, which was fair. 

Soft fingers gently pulled his hand away from his face and Julie didn’t look upset, just maybe a touch confused, but she didn’t let go of his hand. Instead she reached out and grabbed one of Reggie’s hands with her free hand and stood between them, like an unbreakable link.

“Talk me through this, guys. I need some explanation here, especially what you mean when you come into my bar a sing me a love song literally days after whatever that mess of a fight was outside.”

Luke swallowed hard, tightened his grip on her hand, “So, I don’t know how much Alex told you or how much he knew —”

“Pretty much everything on my end,” Reggie coughed.

“—Ok, so I guess he knew more than I did until a few days ago. But, uh, yeah so Reggie and I have complicated history. And that’s something that we - that I need to work on, because I hurt him and that kind of hurt takes work and time to repair. But if he’s willing to give me a second chance, I want to prove that I deserve it, because I never stopped loving him.”

Reggie nodded, “We talked a lot about what that might look like for the two of us. But we both agreed that whatever we decided on didn’t feel complete without you there, Julie.”

Julie bit her lip and looked at the ground, “What do you mean by that? As a friend, or…?”

“No way, Jules,” Reggie tugged on her hand to get her to look at him. “Three months ago you told me you had feelings for me and I - I was an idiot. But more than that I was scared because the last person I loved was Luke, and everything that happened made me terrified of trying again. I shouldn’t have held back my feelings - because Jules, I do have feelings for you too. I love you.” He shrugged like it was simple, obvious even. 

“And, if you’ll also give me a chance, I want to learn to love you too,” Luke added, squeezing their linked fingers together.

“Oh.” And Julie’s face looked so open, so bright, so hopeful and Reggie was looking between them with so much intensity that Luke’s heart could barely handle the sight of them, here, finally within reach. 

“I don’t know what to say. I thought - well, I guess I thought that you wouldn’t need me anymore since you had each other back.”

“No, Julie, honey, never,” Reggie jumped up and grasped her face in his hands, thumbs swiping away the tears that had started to fall.

Luke quickly stood and shoved his guitar behind him, bringing her knuckles to his lips, “You brought music back to me when I thought it was gone forever, how could I not love you?”

Julie hiccuped a small laugh and looked between them, maybe searching their faces for any shred of insincerity but Luke had nothing but the truth left to give. 

“Ok,” she whispered. “Yeah, ok, I want this too. But if we’re gonna do this, you have to promise me that you won’t run off again. I don’t think I could take it. I need you both to be all in or we should just walk away now.”

“Never again,” Luke shook his head. 

“We promise,” Reggie smiled and then they were all standing there smiling like lovesick idiots but Luke had never felt anything that made him this happy before.

This wasn’t going to be easy, nothing in his life had ever been, but for once Luke was looking forward to building something, to fighting _for_ something instead of against it. Maybe every broken moment in his life had been leading him to here and now, leading him to hope and promises of the future, leading him to these two hearts that he could call home. 

He nudged Julie’s side and leaned over to say, “You could kiss him, you know?” in his loudest stage whisper just to hear Julie’s giggle and watch Reggie’s face turn pink. 

But then Julie leaned up on her toes and Reggie bent down to meet her halfway and Luke’s heart soared, watching them come full circle on a road he could never have imagined being on, but it felt so perfect now that he was here. He couldn’t wait to see where it led next. 

———

**_epilogue: someone’s watching out for me_ **

———

“Thank you! We’re Julie and the Phantoms, tell your friends!”

Julie let out a soft giggle into the microphone as the crowded bar roared their approval of their latest song, _Finally Free_. 

She looked stunning in her tight turquoise dress, standing in the middle of the stage. The crowd wasn’t the only one captivated by the sight of her under the stage lights, being adored just like Luke had thought a year ago, the first time they played together.

The stage they were on today was a far cry from Dave’s rickety set up, but they still popped in from time to time to say hi to the regulars who knew them when they were first starting out. 

After a lot of talking, and crying, and kissing, Julie, Luke, and Reggie had sat down and figured out a plan for their relationship. There were a lot of missteps and it took Reggie months to feel comfortable doing more than kissing with Luke, but he was determined to earn back every bit of trust he’d broken before. But in building their relationship, they’d also found that the music that had brought them together made them stronger and more connected. 

And also? They were _really good_. And when they finally wore Alex down and convinced him to be their drummer, Julie and the Phantoms was born. _Bright_ had been a success no one had anticipated, trending on all sorts of social media, and before long they were playing packed clubs full of new fans. 

Some days it was hard for Luke to be back in the music scene, surrounded by so many old triggers and temptations. But when he looked across the stage and found Reggie looking back at him with a soft smile, he knew he couldn’t give this up ever again. There must have been some divine intervention going on, because Luke couldn’t believe that he could get a second chance like this. 

“Tonight is a very special night for us,” Julie said into the microphone, twisting around to look back at him, “because our very own Luke Patterson is celebrating his thirty-first birthday!”

The crowd cheered again and Luke rolled his eyes but couldn’t stop the grin as Reggie and Alex led the crowd through a ridiculously over-the-top rendition of “happy birthday”. 

“Thank you for that, everyone, really appreciate that one, Reg,” Luke said into his own microphone, when the song finally ended. Reggie winked and blew him a kiss. Julie rolled her eyes but the crowd was eating it up. 

“The next song we’re gonna play for you tonight is a little different than our usual style. It’s a pretty personal one, but we wrote it for anyone who is living in a dark place, who thinks they might not make it out of that dark place.” Luke adjusted the strap on his guitar and continued, “I lived in a really dark place for a long time. I made a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people. But I promise that there is hope and light and things worth living for in this life - and this song is about finding yourself again and finding people who love you because of your scars not in spite of them.”

In the audience, Luke could see his parents sitting at a booth with Julie’s dad, sharing a bottle of wine. Julie’s brother stood shoulder-to-shoulder with Flynn at the bar, both of them with their phones out to record the performance, while Flynn’s girlfriend Carrie sat on a barstool with her legs crossed and tried to look unimpressed. Willie whooped from the front row, eyes glued to his husband and acting as the ultimate hype man.

From behind the drums, Alex grinned back at Willie, flipping his drumsticks in the air to show off. Reggie pushed a hand through his sweaty hair and smirked because he knew exactly what that look did for Luke. And across the stage, Julie had settled on the stool behind her keyboard and she was smiling softly at the keys, a far cry from the sadness it used to evoke.

All these people. Luke used to think he was so alone, but look at him now, surrounded with more love and support than he knew what to do with.

A miracle indeed. 

“So, yeah, this one is called _since I was young_.”

Alex counted them in, but Julie held his gaze as they sang together, “ _Nobody knows what it means, you just go and you hope that you’ll grow, that’s life. My whole life philosophy, oh it changes with the tides_.”

Then it was just Luke, singing alone and for once being the one in charge of sharing his secrets with the world. When Trevor Wilson stole his music it felt like a violation, but this felt like freedom. He wanted the whole world to know that he had wrestled with demons for years and yes, some mornings he still woke up with his skin itching, craving an old bad habit, but he wasn’t afraid any more. 

“ _Since I was young, I always thought that twenty-five would be the last year of my life, then I got sober_.”

Now he was just a man learning all the ways that love could heal himself and everyone around him. 

“ _And now I’m more myself than I ever was, I’m happier than I ever was, and I’ve learned to let someone love me for me_.”

After this show finished, Luke would get to walk hand-in-hand with Julie and Reggie back to the apartment they shared, to the king-sized bed they had splurged on as an early Christmas present to each other. Julie would let them peel that tight dress off of her, touch every inch of her and drive her crazy. And when she got impatient, like she always did, she would have Reggie hold Luke down so they could take him apart, piece by piece, until he was nothing more than his rawest self in their hands, open and vulnerable and _alive_. 

In the morning he would wake between them and listen to the rhythm of their hearts beating together. 

It would feel like home. 

“ _Me, I’m still me, I’m still me, who I was, who I’ve been, who I’ll always be_.”

The song ended, the last notes hanging in the air for a perfect second before the crowd lost their minds again, screaming and clapping and cheering for them.

_Yeah_ , Luke thought, joy crashing over him like a wave as they came together in the middle of the stage for bows, _this is the best birthday ever_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Luke and Reggie sing "Two Is Better Than One" by Boys Like Girls and Taylor Swift to Julie, because it made me laugh to think about them being like "two boyfriends for Julie!! yeah that works!!" because they are huge dorks like that. The final song that they sing as a band is "since I was young" by Wrabel and Kesha, which also provided the fic and chapter titles for this work. As previously mentioned it is the song that inspired this fic and literally this whole thing was written so I could write that epilogue. Also "Finally Free" and "Bright" from the show were both mentioned, as "Finally Free" is absolutely a queer anthem, that is a fact. 
> 
> I don't even know where to begin y'all. This fic was such a joy to write - it was absolutely unexpected to me that I was gonna start writing fic again for the first time in over 10 years. But there was a lot of personal stuff that made it in here, so this was also a very cathartic experience and I've loved creating this AU. There's also a lot of other stuff that didn't make it in here, so I might come back and explore further from other character's POVs in the future. But if you have any questions, I'm happy to chat in the comments :)
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who commented and kudos-ed! I never expected this much feedback and I truly appreciate everyone's kind words! Y'all are truly wonderful <3 <3 <3


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